


keep going, don't look back

by angstonly



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Freeform, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, References to Depression, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:55:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21747886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly
Summary: "hey, it's you!"renjun whips his head around to find the source of the voice. andoh my god, renjun thinks. it'shim, it's that boy from—"do you remember me?" the boy asks, a grin on his face.renjun smiles at him, raising his drink to lightly tap against the other boy's. "donghyuck, right? surprisedyourememberme."the way donghyuck laughs is nothing short of pristine, almost like a song just begging to be sung. "forget that smile? never."
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 69





	keep going, don't look back

**Author's Note:**

> set in the us in some unspecified midwestern state. everyone's asian-american in this.
> 
> pls read the tags bc there will be triggering themes!

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

the first time they meet is during renjun's freshman year, when he finally allows doyoung to drag him two hours away for some sort of basketball tournament hosted by a different university's asian student association. doyoung is a graduate student in the engineering department, whose company is _paying_ him to go to get his masters degree. he has way too much time on his hands, says jeno, who is renjun's best friend and the reason that renjun and doyoung become acquainted in the first place. too much time and too much money means doyoung can do whatever the fuck he wants whenever the fuck he wants.

the social butterfly that he is, doyoung is quick to meet and make new friends from all over the country; renjun envies this about him but he would never admit that out loud. doyoung quickly becoming friends with renjun is proof enough of his skill for conversation, considering renjun is on the quieter side unless alcohol makes its way into his blood.

thankfully, jeno tags along to the event. the three of them drive and blast trap music down the highway, doyoung screaming out lyrics while tapping rhythmically against the steering wheel. renjun laughs as doyoung shrieks when jeno drops chips all over himself, scolding him and rambling about his love for his precious car that has now been dirtied thanks to jeno's lack of coordination. jeno stares at him with an unamused look on his face but quickly smiles when doyoung begins to laugh at the cheesy powder dusted all over jeno's lap.

when they make it into the gymnasium, the tournament has already started. renjun walks around, trailing doyoung and jeno as they greet almost everyone there. he startles when he's pushed forward, being introduced as jeno's best friend and doyoung's apprentice (whatever that means). some offer him handshakes, some offer him hugs. there are girls who tell him he's cute, which colors renjun's skin a warm pink. these people are _too_ friendly, he thinks. but he isn't exactly repulsed by it. maybe just a little, though.

renjun resigns to sitting on the sidelines, hugging his legs to his chest, knees tucked beneath his chin. his own school's association doesn't really participate in things like this, so he watches without a team to root for. it's not until the last match that renjun's sights land on _him_ , the boy whose sweat makes tanned skin glisten underneath fluorescent lights. he's running, shoes squeaking against the hardwood floors. he dons a serious expression as he plays the rest of the game, but his lips tug into a smile at the sight of the final score and renjun thinks he's beautiful.

he later learns that his name is donghyuck. lee donghyuck from a school an hour and a half away from here, almost four hours away from renjun's. there's a lingering stare here and there as all schools gather for lunch the next day, smiles and innocent questions.

jeno and doyoung tease renjun about it on their way home, already stalking the poor boy's social media and nagging renjun to give him a follow. renjun shoves them away and he forgets about lee donghyuck just a couple of days after.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

the second time they meet is at a conference. the conference is held annually, meant to bring universities together to celebrate asian culture. but people usually just go for the gigantic party at the hotels friday night and the club party saturday night. it's an excuse to have fun for a weekend, forget all the academic stuff waiting back home. meet people, make new friends, possibly find a hookup because the amount of _thirst_ every year seems to keep growing and growing and growing. renjun scoffs. _kids_.

it's been seven months since the basketball tournament and renjun, now a sophomore, is a changed man. because a lot can happen in seven months— _too much_ , actually. you can get your heart played and broken by someone you considered a friend, made to participate in a game of push and pull that you never wanted to play in the first place. wanted, unwanted. yes, no. around and around, back and forth, until you're so emotionally distraught that nothing you do feels right anymore. his friends tell him to throw caution to the wind, have fun and play; that's what everyone does to renjun's heart anyway. why shouldn't he do the same?

you can also get taken advantage of, thrown into confusion and every variation of _what the fuck just happened_ because no fucking way in hell would a close friend betray your trust like that—take your innocence like that. you make excuses until it feels like the truth, ignoring the taste of bile every time you look at your "friend" after that. you can get so perplexed by the juxtapositions between the friend and the monster resting in one person that your brain nearly breaks you and you're carted off to the hospital to keep you safe from yourself. there, your emotional breakdowns are watched and handled. there, people know how to handle your crying at four in the morning begging for something sharp so that everything just stops hurting.

renjun is a changed man, a broken man. shit happens and renjun has seen darkness and near-death. but he slaps the most convincing smile on his face and dances and flirts and actually makes friends without the need to ask jeno for help. jeno is off with his new boyfriend somewhere, probably sucking each other's faces off. and the rest of their group are off probably trying to find their own targets for the night.

"hey, it's you!"

renjun whips his head around to find the source of the voice. and _oh my god_ , renjun thinks. it's _him_ , it's that boy from—

"do you remember me?" the boy asks, a grin on his face.

renjun smiles at him, raising his drink to lightly tap against the other boy's. "donghyuck, right? surprised _you_ remember _me_."

the way donghyuck laughs is nothing short of pristine, almost like a song just begging to be sung. "forget that smile? never."

renjun isn't sure if it's the alcohol or something else, but his face is hot and his insides are doing flips and somersaults as they stand there. it doesn't take long before they've found themselves a spot to sit at, laughing at each other's jokes, alcohol-induced openness making room for personal anecdotes. and before they know it, their lips are slotted together in a sloppy kiss, bodies pressed together as if they were the only people around (they weren't). renjun isn't sure how long they spend together that night, but renjun enters his own hotel room (jeno quirks a curious brow at him, which he answers with a cheeky grin) and falls asleep feeling great.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"hyung, do you think that guy is going to be at the club tonight?" jisung runs his fingers through his hair beside renjun, gaze meeting through the mirror. jisung is renjun's "little brother" in the mentorship program they have in the korean student association in his university. even though he isn't korean, he's fairly active in the organization because of how warm and welcoming they were to him his freshman year. they call it a _family_ system; it's more or less a mentorship program, though, but much more personal. at first, it didn't really make sense to renjun why he gets paired up with jisung. but the more they get to know each other, the more everything clicks in clarity.

"who knows?" renjun shrugs, adjusting his shirt. "don't care, though. i'm here to have fun. dejun said it's time for a hoe phase so a hoe phase i shall have."

jisung smirks at him, head tilting to the side. "really, hyung? you? in a hoe phase? i don't think so."

"hey," renjun warns, frowning. "i could _so_ do it."

"sure, if you say so," jisung shrugs, but the smirk still remains. "buuuuut," jisung begins to singsong, much to renjun's chagrin. "you blush when we say his name, you know."

"whose name?"

"lee donghyuck. aha! see! there—" jisung begins to point and renjun's reddened cheeks. but renjun grabs a nearby towel and throws it at him.

"fuck off, kid. it's just hormones cause he's _cute_. no feelings or whatever; having feelings suck. you know what happened with—"

"well, he's a moron," jisung rolls his eyes. "honestly, hyung, you're a fucking catch. trust me, if lee donghyuck isn't just some idiot jock-type, he would cuff you up as soon as he can."

renjun grimaces at the idea. feelings are too complicated, too _messy_. the emotional roller coaster he's been through has made him want to stay numb and detached. he and donghyuck had good conversation (and then some) the night before, sure, but it doesn't mean shit to renjun. it _shouldn't_.

but things never go to plan and renjun can't fight how naturally drawn they are to each other. lee donghyuck finds him in the middle of the club and it's so fucking cliche how everything blurs except donghyuck and renjun as they meet halfway through the crowd. the music is deafeningly loud but the sound drowns out when donghyuck laughs and takes renjun's drink.

"the only drinks you should be accepting tonight are mine," donghyuck has leaned in impossibly close, lips so close to renjun's ear that renjun shivers as donghyuck speaks. "you're mine tonight, beautiful."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

it's not really a walk of shame when it's four in the morning and donghyuck pauses every now and again to press kisses all over renjun's face. renjun insists he doesn't need to be walked back to his hotel room, but donghyuck argues that he would like to soak up as much of renjun's time as possible considering there's no guarantee of a morning-after text. renjun gives him a look, partly amused and partly curious.

"so you want a morning-after text?"

donghyuck shrugs, caging renjun in between his arms against the wall beside the door. "only if you're willing to give me one."

"i'll think about," renjun says playfully, giving a weak push against donghyuck's chest. "now go. i don't want someone accidentally seeing us here."

"am i some sort of dirty little secret, renjun?" donghyuck leans in so close that renjun's heart feels like it's going to explode.

renjun leans in and places a soft peck against donghyuck's plump lips. "dirty? absolutely." one more kiss. "little? not at all." another. "secret? maybe." and another.

they share a quick laugh and some more kisses before renjun finally walks into his room, face flushed and heart rapping against his ribcage. jisung is awake and is grinning at him with a knowing smile.

"oh wait, hyung, don't sleep on that bed," jisung warns in hushed but urgent whispers. "jeno hyung is naked under there."

renjun rolls his eyes and slips in anyway. "jisung, i've seen jeno naked before. who do you think waxes his asshole?"

jisung cringes, "oh god hyung, i did _not_ need to know that!" and renjun laughs before falling asleep, tan skin and heart-shaped lips haunting his dreams.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

after that whole ordeal with a certain _moron_ (or so jisung likes to call he-who-isn't-worth-renjun's-attention), renjun doesn't welcome the idea of having someone _new_ to fancy. unfortunately, the universe has other plans. because here he is, three weeks later, on facetime with lee donghyuck, the boy who lives four hours away. 

they've been texting daily since the conference in november, phone calls almost just as much. tonight's facetime call is sudden, an impromptu study date to keep each other company as they work on academic bullshit well into late hours that near sunrise. when donghyuck yawns, renjun finds himself yawning too. and then donghyuck flashes him a tired grin and sends over a quip, "hey, you're not a psychopath."

renjun rolls his eyes at the reference, but he smiles anyway because everything donghyuck says makes him want to smile. he's absolutely whipped for the guy, that's for sure. whether or not renjun is willing to admit it is a different story entirely.

it's not too long before homework is long forgotten and they both lie in their respective beds, screens already dark from having turned off their lights. renjun asks if they should switch over to a phone call instead, but donghyuck says he likes seeing the numbers in their call duration rise. something about wanting to beat a personal record for longest call in his life.

"hey renjun," donghyuck mumbles on the other line, sleepy. "i appreciate you, you know that? and i respect you."

renjun doesn't really know what to say to that so he says nothing. instead, he hums in acknowledgment and whispers a quick _go to sleep_. donghyuck laughs but soon, there's silence. and all renjun can hear is donghyuck's breathing and his own heart almost screaming in his chest.

 _who the fuck says 'i respect you'_? but once renjun gets over the initial shock, he realizes he doesn't mind. because those three words are so rare but _so important_ and he can't help but feel the butterflies fluttering in his belly.

and even though a small, teeny tiny part of renjun wanted to hear _i like you_ , he muses that _i respect you_ is a much better way to tell someone you care. it's special. it's _new_. and renjun finds himself liking it so much that he falls asleep with a smile on his face.

and he dreams of lee donghyuck, the boy who lives four hours away, but has already found himself a place safely tucked right here in renjun's heart.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

the thing about an emotional breakdown is that the world doesn't stop just because you have one. this, renjun learns, is a cold truth he has to face as he stares at the email informing him about his dismissal. sure, the hospital set him up with university resources to help him get back on the right track. and sure, he's been seeing a therapist ever since he was released. but there's not much they can do when his grades are too fucked up and it's too late for anything to help. so he cries and break downs and sends email after email to ask if there's anything else he can do because _no_. he refuses to be the one fuck up in the family who _fails_ out of college, the disappointment. he refuses to ruin christmas for his family like this.

renjun sobs into his dad's arms when he tells him, his mom silently watching with her own tears rolling down her face. renjun apologizes, begs for forgiveness, desperately tells them he's doing his best to come back and find a way to get the decision reversed. but his father, always so loving and caring and tender, places a hand on renjun's shoulder and firmly says, "no."

"what do you mean, dad?" renjun startles, bemused.

and then his father smiles and wipes his tears and says, "rest, renjun. you've been through a lot. you didn't fail, my boy. you got wounded. and you do not send a wounded soldier back into war."

he breaks down in his father's arms again because the man is absolutely right. he's exhausted. so later when he calls donghyuck, whose worry is clear in his eyes, renjun tells him exactly that. that he's exhausted and has been for a while—that he's taking a break and if donghyuck thinks he's stupid for all of this, then they should stop talking right at this very moment.

"hey, wait, renjun, hold on—" donghyuck interrupts him, eyebrows knitted together. "when have i ever said i think you're stupid? renjun, i don't know exactly what's happened to you this semester but if you say you need a break, then you need a break. shit happens, i know that. i've been through and been dragged through shit all my life so i get it. you're not stupid and i still like you.

renjun slumps, ignoring the tears that form in his eyes. not much registers other than those last four words. "you like me?"

donghyuck laughs. and it's the kind of laughter that reminds renjun of early morning coffee dates and quick strolls through the park. comfortable. warmth blooms in renjun's chest. "everything i said and that's what sticks?" donghyuck questions, smiling. the warmth spreads to renjun's face. "yes, renjun. i like you."

well, _fuck_. "i like you too."

so maybe christmas won't be too bad this year after all.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"donghyuck, i'm a _virgin_. i literally told you that," renjun deadpans through the camera, arms folded against his chest. "what the fuck?"

donghyuck is laughing so hard that he can't even _breathe_ , which further adds onto renjun's displeasure at the conversation they're having. it's winter break and they've decided to beat their call duration personal record (five hours straight), which is why they're still on the phone talking at three in the morning. they got around to talking about the conference, their second meeting. and donghyuck mentions that his friends all thought that renjun was some sort of manwhore.

"your wallet," donghyuck supplies in between chuckles. "you left it in our room, remember? so we opened to check whose it was and—"

"oh my god. _no_."

" _yes_."

" _no_. motherfu— oh my god!"

the realization hits renjun with so much power that it almost feels as though someone has _actually_ punched him in the stomach. guanheng and yangyang had given condoms to renjun for safekeeping during the conference, in numbers enough to last them _both_ a week. according to them, it was their fool-proof plan to make sure they didn't end up with someone disgusting—they ask renjun for condoms and renjun checks who it is before deciding whether to hand it over or not. their trust for renjun's drunken judgment is cute, which is why he agreed to it.

but now, renjun's face is burning because _holy motherfucking shit lee donghyuck and his friends saw all those condoms_. he'll have to kill his friends later, if the embarrassment doesn't kill renjun before that.

"oh god, just kill me now, honestly," renjun groans, hiding his face behind his hands. "those weren't mine, i promise. i haven't done shit with anyone. i'm innocent! i swear!"

donghyuck only laughs, shaking his head. "don't worry about it. it's just really funny now. i believe you."

"shut up, oh my god. i _cannot_ believe this."

they make it to hour four with more of donghyuck's teasing. but soon enough, the laughter dies down and they settle into the night. conversation shifts from hilarious anecdotes to heartbreak and sad life stories. it's dark in renjun's room, only light from street lamps shining through his window. there's a melancholy in the air as donghyuck tells him about his life, about his family, about what he's been through.

donghyuck tells him that he hasn't told anyone about any of this but he feels like his secrets are safe with renjun, so he shares. and renjun, whose had demons of his own, respond in kind. they share their sadness and despair with each other in the darkness, only their voices heard through the stillness.

and then renjun's heart swells with affection when donghyuck whispers, "can i come visit you next weekend?"

renjun says yes.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"i'm going to be out for the rest of the night so. yeah. text me when it's safe."

there's a shit-eating grin on doyoung's face as he stares at renjun and renjun knows what he's trying to say. it's the first time donghyuck is coming over and it's just renjun's luck that he's in between living quarters and he's currently camped out on doyoung's couch. so much for privacy.

"nothing like that is happening, you perv." renjun grabs a pillow and throws it in doyoung's direction.

"look, you say that. but you never really know until you're in the moment. so i'm just going to assume that you two will end up fucking on my couch while i'm out." doyoung adjusts his tie before turning to face renjun, still with that stupid grin on his face. "you're growing up so fast, young one," doyoung wipes away an imaginary tear. "condoms in the bathroom. no glove, no love. wrap it before you tap it."

"jesus christ, _go already_!" renjun is already reaching for something to throw at him but doyoung raises his hands in defeat and scurries out the door before he could.

in retrospect, he should have expected it. not that renjun is going to end up losing his virginity one friday evening on doyoung's couch, but more that things just _happen_ when it comes to him and donghyuck. everything from their first meeting to their next, to the stories of their childhood, to the emotions they share— everything is so incredibly unexpected that renjun should honestly just be expecting everything at this point.

still, no amount of presumption prepares either renjun or donghyuck for doyoung's words to actually come true. neither of them planned on it, it just _happened_. and for two romantic people, their first time together is so incredibly _un_ romantic that renjun wouldn't have it any other way (regardless of how embarrassing of a tale it becomes later down the line).

they're spooning on the couch, tucked underneath warm blankets as they have shameless playing in the background. the show is long-forgotten, the two of them just enjoying each other's presence after two months of making do with facetime and phone calls. but then conversation stills when renjun feels donghyuck poking at his back. like actually _feels_ him. and donghyuck shifts away, shy and embarrassed, mumbling out apologies that make renjun feel like teasing.

"huh, interesting," renjun hums, shifting to face donghyuck who has covered his face with his arm. "a little eager, i see."

"god, stop," donghyuck pouts at him, face flushed and hot. "you're attractive, sue me."

renjun smiles at him, tugging his arm away so that they're looking into each other's eyes. "tell me more."

donghyuck frowns, almost pouts. "you want me to talk about how i would very much like to fuck you? that's mean, renjun. you know i would, but i won't. not until you're ready. if you're ever ready."

"do it."

they both still. and the silence hangs in the air for a long moment, _too_ long for renjun's comfort. but then quietly, donghyuck begins to speak. "are you sure? are you absolutely sure? like really think about it. are you sure?"

"yeah. let's do it." _it feels right_ , he thinks.

and so they do.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

" _please_ tell me he asked you to be his boyfriend before you soiled doyoung's couch."

jeno, of course, is first to know. because when it comes to the most intimate details of any relationship ever, renjun and jeno share it all. this rings true for dejun, guanheng, and yangyang too. so the story continues even when the three of them finally make their way to jeno's apartment, where they make themselves margaritas and gossip on recent events.

yangyang is screaming in renjun's ear the entire time and as lewd as it is, renjun feels a sense of pride. sure, yes, it was _ratchet as fuck_ , but it's unique and donghyuck is sweet and he peppered every kiss they shared with "are you sure?" and "are you still doing okay?" and "you can tell me to stop if you want." the location may have been less than ideal but renjun didn't really care in the moment because donghyuck is perfect and he's everything he's always wanted his first time to be—even if it happens on a friend's fucking couch.

"yeah, he asked as soon as he got there," renjun sips on his margarita. it's a pink lemonade mix with added tequila for strength. "it was just so fucking strange, man. like i wasn't even expecting to just be like ' _oh yeah, do it. do me. right now_.' because hello? me? but i did. and now here i am. i feel great now though. couldn't have picked a better first partner."

"you're growing up so fast, i could cry," guanheng places a hand theatrically on his chest with a dramatic sigh. "you got whipped so hard so fast like, is he really that great?"

renjun shrugs and takes another sip. short answer: yes.

"how was his dick though?" it's yangyang who speaks up this time, who has finally calmed down from all the screaming and is pouring himself another drink.

"say when." dejun claps his hands together and slowly pulls them apart with a cheeky grin. when renjun still says nothing, yangyang starts screaming again and renjun just can't help but laugh.

when all the raunchy details of his sexual debut have come out and the others have shared their own explicit stories courtesy of boyfriends (one—jeno's) and grindr hookups and party hookups, they move on to more serious and emotional discussions about life and all the bullshit that comes with it. he can't help but think of donghyuck and renjun wonders if he has his own group of friends that he can share these kinds of things with.

renjun has had a life of difficulty, sure. but donghyuck's was far _far_ worse.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

donghyuck informs him that, no, he doesn't have people he pours his heart and soul to. no one other than renjun, that is. because the last time he did was to his ex-boyfriend, who used the information to manipulate him and emotionally abuse donghyuck into being his puppet for two whole years. he's had a hard time opening up to others ever since, even to friends he's known all of his life.

"then why did you tell me?" renjun lies in the dark, phone pressed to his ear. "it was only like a month since we met when you told me."

there's a pause in the line, some shuffling. renjun knows that donghyuck is trying to prepare for bed as well. "it just felt right," donghyuck muses out loud, voice silky and smooth and _god_ , renjun could just listen to it all fucking night. "it's weird, honestly, how quickly i trusted you. i usually don't. but it felt right that i did and... well, it _is_ right that i trust you. you're one of the most genuine people i know."

"stop, you're making me blush."

donghyuck laughs and it sends butterflies straight to renjun's stomach. "good," he says. and then he adds, "sometimes i just pause for a second, randomly throughout the day. and i think about how you're my boyfriend and it's so fucking surreal because... _wow_? huang renjun is _my_ boyfriend? how in the world did i get so fucking lucky?"

renjun chokes on air and again, donghyuck laughs. "you just love making me shy, don't you?"

"no, i just love _you_."

renjun sits up in his bed, eyes wide, heart threatening to jump out of his chest. he breathes in heavily, mind racing from the words the donghyuck is now repeating in his ear. he exhales, loud and shaky, and then finally he says, "i love you too."

they both fall asleep smiling.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

long distance takes a lot of work. and sure, a four-hour drive isn't _too_ bad in the grand scheme of things. but there's so much more that goes into making shit work than just being a couple of hours away. because yes, it's not a bad drive. but renjun doesn't have a car so it's always donghyuck that makes the drive down to see him. renjun suggests he take the bus but donghyuck is quick to dismiss the idea, not wanting renjun to have to ride a greyhound by himself. especially when donghyuck's city is notorious for crime. it also doesn't help that money is always an issue and that even if they _did_ have the time to make visits as frequent as they wanted, it's just simply not plausible.

they talk about money early in their relationship, of course. because donghyuck struggles with it and renjun... well, renjun doesn't. not that renjun is rich or anything—but his family is comfortable and he has the privilege of not having to worry about it. so when donghyuck tells him he's getting two part-time jobs, renjun doesn't feel like he has the right to say, _that's going to burn you out_. instead, he sends words of encouragement every morning and sticks to their phone calls every night, telling donghyuck how proud renjun is of him and his hard work.

"you're the only person who ever tells me that, you know?" donghyuck tells him one night. it's two in the morning and they've been on the phone for an hour.

"tells you what? that i'm proud of you?" renjun blinks, though unfortunately, not surprised.

"yeah. thank you."

"it's the truth."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

donghyuck works hard. he works so hard that renjun gets so damn worried because he knows that donghyuck's only support is him. and being his only support, living four hours away, is a difficult task because there's only so much you can do over the phone. renjun is frustrated and donghyuck is too, but they do their best anyway because they love each other. and love takes work. a _lot_ of work.

they fight like all couples do, argue when renjun gets worried because donghyuck hasn't given him any indication of like in the last twelve hours. donghyuck yells sometimes when he feels renjun overreacts. renjun yells back when he feels donghyuck isn't listening to him. sometimes renjun thinks that it's too much work, that it shouldn't be this hard when two people are in love. but he brushes the thought away because he wants this to work and he wants donghyuck. so he keeps working, keeps trying.

and it's worth it when he sees donghyuck smiling at his front door a week later, when he's pulled into donghyuck's arms and feels how cold he is from being in his car for four hours (donghyuck likes to blast the ac after all). renjun melts into donghyuck's embrace and all the fights and arguments melt away with him as they just hold each other and kiss each other all day.

but it's different. something's changed. and it doesn't matter if neither of them address it, if they want to ignore it and leave it for another time. it's there, lying in wait, festering until it's latched so deeply into their relationship that they can't evade it any much longer. every forced smile, every forced _i'm fine_ becomes too exhausting to avoid. patience thins—it stretches and stretches until they're hanging by a thread and ready to snap at any second.

but they're too drunk in love, too intoxicated in the way they fit in each other's arms to care. at least right now.

right now, it's still them. it's still donghyuck and renjun, still in love, still desperate to fight against the demons crawling from the darkness ready to attack as soon as they let their guard down. love is blinding, they say. it makes you stubborn. stupid. and that's what they choose to be for as long as they possibly could.

eventually the thread breaks. snaps and frays in different directions. renjun doesn't know exactly when, but when it does, he's not entirely surprised. how could he when his phone no longer rings every night, no longer plays the special ringtone that lets him know that it's donghyuck on the other line. they try. they fight and fight and fight to stay with each other, to rise above the differences they promised they won't let get between them. but it's too hard, too demanding of a task that it drains them every time they do.

renjun says good morning, donghyuck doesn't respond until it's time to say good night.

renjun asks when he's coming again, donghyuck says he doesn't know.

renjun asks if he can come visit, donghyuck says no. renjun doesn't even have a car, donghyuck would say. and when renjun says he'll buy a plane ticket if he has to, it's the last straw that breaks them. donghyuck yells and renjun falls silent, allows the tears prickling his eyes to fall. it's strange how quickly things can go from one side to the other. how quickly you dive in, how quickly you jump out.

the changes were so slow, so gradual that they barely even notice it. not until it's gotten to this point that everything becomes a fight, an argument with no winner. they snap at each other, words like barbed wire against his throat. renjun tries not to cry every night. but it's useless. the tears fall. he and donghyuck are falling falling falling into a pit with no salvation.

sometimes love just isn't enough.

love isn't enough.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* — *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

it's anticlimactic. their end. abrupt, almost like it comes out of nowhere. it starts with a simple text message: _do you still want to be with me?_ renjun knows the answer, he knows it deep in his gut when he doesn't receive a reply. when he scrolls through his messages and sees the overwhelming amount of blue, barely any gray. he should have seen it coming sooner, he thinks. this should have come sooner.

he doesn't get a text back. instead, it's a phone call. donghyuck's voice is shaky, strained as he breathes out apologies on the other line. renjun doesn't care about his tears anymore—he openly weeps. this really is the end.

"i love you so much, you don't even know," donghyuck laughs at the irony. renjun laughs too and it hurts. fuck does it hurt. "but i can't do this. not right now, not with everything going on."

"i know," renjun smiles through the sting in his heart. he can taste his tears as they roll past his lips. "i love you too. it's okay. i—hyuck, i believe in you. you'll get through it."

donghyuck's breath hitches and he falls silent. "keep moving forward, okay? don't look back. i... i'll catch up to you someday."

"stupid, don't give me hope like that."

they laugh. it's sad, heartbreaking. renjun chokes back sobs as he spills every i love you beating in his chest, shaped like donghyuck in his heart. neither of them speak more, only breaths and sniffles shared between them as the seconds tick by. neither of them are ready to hang up but they both know they have to. as much as it hurts, as much as it tears them apart from the inside out.

"goodbye, renjun. i love you."

"i love you, donghyuck. take care of yourself, okay?"

 _click_.

and that's that.

**Author's Note:**

> hhh i know it ends really abruptly but,,, tbh,,, this was based on a true story. and it really did end that abruptly. it was months of amazing love and then,,, three weeks of crashing.
> 
> talk to me on [twt](http://twitter.com/renminhyck) or [cc](http://curiouscat.me/jactheangstqueen) !!


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